thinking :)

i was just reflecting for a moment…and i had an epiphany of sorts…

about love. :)

i think i got this from my father…i saw it the other day in his actions. he’d NEVER admit this…and neither would i except for right at this moment…but when we love someone…we become rather obsessed. and not in the sickening way, either. of course not…but like…you become a part of us. my father states again and again…he only has two people…my mother, and me. and he always says he prays for the two of us…because “we’re all he has…and to take us away from him just wouldn’t be right.” he NEEDS us. most people have cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents…yeahh…we don’t. very small family…the rest of our family is so foreign…it would be like trying to make friends with total strangers…so i understand.

the other day i was on my way out in the snow…the roads were really bad…my dad shoveled my car out of the snow and cleaned my car perfectly…i had a perfect path to drive out onto the road because of him…but i had to get home…i remember my mother standing in the doorway … OBVIOUSLY anxious and not trying to hide it…and she waved nervously…and i turned to wave to my dad, and he’d already turned his back and started talking to my neighbor.

when i was a teenaged girl, i probably would have taken that as “he doesn’t care about me…” but now i understand. i TOTALLY understand. i think that i understand SO much that i could have PLAYED that exact scene out AS my father. he turned his back because he was afraid of what could happen to me trying to drive back home to fairfax. rather than worrying and dealing with it, he escaped and talked to the neighbor. and there’s NOTHING wrong with that, because this is what i do. while my mother worries herself over us…not being able to sleep until she knows for sure everyone is safe…my father and i try to keep busy with other things so that we DON’T worry about those that we love. and it doesn’t mean we love you any less…it means that if something were to happen to the ones we loved…we’d just die. it would just hurt too bad…so we ignore it…until we’re brought back to reality and realize that you’re okay. (this explains the fear we both have of hospitals…:sigh:)

i get it. :) i really do….it feels so nice to understand him..and to understand myself. he’s right…we ARE alike.

this is something that i HATE talking about, but what can you do? haha…i feel a little different about things though…so many life altering things have happened this year that made me stop and think:

“i thought 2010 was supposed to be the year of happiness and change?”

now it seems like it’s the year of learning experiences. the year of struggle. the year of being strong. the year of tears. the year of family.

whatever the case, i’ve become OBSCENELY strong. after hearing the news about my mom, i fell apart at the seams. before this, i felt i could make it through anything. i’ve been through so much as an individual, but that’s just ME…who cares? but my MOMMIE? …no…unfair. i remember walking out of the hospital pretending everything was fine…and taking advantage of those five minutes alone to cry in the parking lot, get the car, and drive back to get her. later on that day, the sun started to shine, and i smiled and looked up at the sky and thanked God for smiling down on me. But then…i became angry…wondering how someone so beautiful and so kind, could be struck with such an illness…she’s done nothing but good for us. Her goal was to be a great mom, and she’s surpassed that. She’s my best friend, my mother, and my hero. I simply didn’t understand WHY she had to always be the one hurting.

PISSED.

after the anger faded…i felt guilt…i couldn’t keep food down…i lost my appetite…and all i did was sleep. i had nightmares, and i couldn’t sleep without “Sex and the City” playing…i felt so alone, and no one could fix it. i felt like it was my fault. maybe if i’d been a better daughter, she wouldn’t have been so stressed, and wouldn’t have become sick. it was my fault. :(

but then i realized that sometimes things happen to wake us up, and to FORCE us to appreciate those that we love. i NEVER forgot about how much i loved my family, and they were always number one. but there was a time in my life that was so clouded with toxic friendships and actions, that it seemed like i didn’t care. that was my escape…hanging out with the wrong people and spending too much time on things that didn’t matter.

now i know that family should always come first, and it feels so good to be consistent with that. it feels good to get a phonecall to hang out, but respond with:

“aww no i’m cool :) watching hgtv with mom.”

my family is my life. :) and recently we got a new member…ashley…she’s become my life too…my sister. so i’ve got mommie, daddy, ashley, and desi…(miss you juli…wtf who dies on valentine’s day?!) …:sigh: and when that special someone comes along…they will have a special place as well.

eboni always told me that both good AND bad things come in threes. i can’t wait for the good to come…and i hope it all goes to my parents and ashley. :)

much love…that was a good vent. *muah*